“Parents and relatives commit murder with smiles on their faces. They force us to destroy the person we really are: a subtle kind of murder.” – Jim Morrison
*
bond-less day
no, they say
you never miss
what you never had
yet I kept searching
for that bond
turning each stone
attachment of infancy
maternal bonding
it is celebrated
every year
and every year
I busy myself
to focus on
what I have that
is mine
despite familial rejection
the years of abuse
the violence
children she never
wanted – a choice
that was not mine
if you had that
magical bond
assuming we all did
i’m happy for you
but don’t assume
this is universal
i’ve worked with others
who lived in dread
of the pretense
who asked ourselves
over and over
why wasn’t I
acceptable
being who I
was, childish
attempts to change
your mind, your heart
changing who i was
trying to be good enough
finally accepting
without a conscience
there is nothing
you have to give
never to look into
my eyes
we were both
victims – who chose
different paths
no terms of endearment
no kisses, no gentle touch
i’ve learned to glue
pieces together
scarring is deep
but now i am free
i’ve built a life
where acceptance
is my cocoon
emerging i
take wing and fly
*
bisous,
léa
poetry, photos and musings oh my! 
Mmm. Can relate. Although it’s a bit more complex/ love/ hate/ disappointment/ forgiveness in my case… Not easy but not a day I really celebrate.
It usually is complex… the hate was gone a long time ago but distance helps as her tentacles are long.
Hooray for distance. Hooray for YOU XO
Merci beaucoup! Merci pour France! XOXO
Actually, here’s a bit of clue in something I did as a bet:
https://findingtimetowrite.wordpress.com/2014/05/16/weekend-fun-how-our-mothers-see-us/
I can relate to this. Love and hugs, my friend. May you have many happy years in your new life and home. 💕
Perhaps you can understand why I still pinch myself that it is so real after nearly eight years here… Thank you.
admiration and respect for having chosen France, Léa… ❤
Thank you Mélanie. It is the only place I’ve ever felt I belonged.
There are those of us who must learn, finally, to mother ourselves…and if we
are lucky, we do!
Absolutely! Thank you Cynthia.
This is so sad Lea. I cannot relate to it but I feel for you very much xxx
There are many of us out there who share a similar story. One day I hope that all of us can celebrate the fact we survived! xxx
You not only survived but thrived xxx
Merci beaucoup! It is friends like you who make it possible! xxx
😊 xxx
🙂 xxx
Moving…
Merci, for too many of us it is reality.
I don’t mean that I ‘like’ that it’s part of many people’s reality, just like that you’ve confirmed what your poems says so emphatically
No, I do understand. Sometimes the ‘like’ button just doesn’t work with the feeling. Thank you Polly! 🙂
i’m glad that you managed to free yourself from the past and learned to fly… i had a difficult childhood as well…often felt like not being wanted – like not being accepted for who i am… it’s a tough start into life..
There are many of us out there. I worked in Child Protection…
Very powerful Lea and I hear your silent screams and I know there are many who can relate to this. I hope you are healing and it is good to remind us that not all humans were cut out to be a mother.
I just wish more would realise and speak up! In America, teachers, doctors and childcare providers as well as many others are mandated by law to report but you would be amazed at how few do. Nobody wants to get involved…That is where the screaming comes from.
Indeed its true and very sad.
❤ you did touch my heart – here, now and beyond… there's "stuff" we can forget and forgive, but some of "it" – never and as a darwinist-cartesian, I'm totally with you, dear Léa… courage, strength, serenity… bises amicales de Minorque et à+! 😉
Once I wrote about the past to help myself figure it all out. Now, I write for those who still cannot. Merci beaucoup!